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Montreal Winter

by Chas Warlow

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1.
I know I’m late I kinda missed the date I think it was October 28 Now it’s ok I’ve got my shit together I’ve written my song – better late than never It’s Weed Day, Weed Day, grab yourselves a bong Stoned or sober, you can sing along It’s Weed Day, Weed Day, grab yourselves a bong Sing along with the national weed anthem In Ontario, they’re kind of slow They want to stop the kids from smoking blow Hold on though – it wasn’t that long ago They elected a cokehead mayor of Toronto Out in Alberta, they want some oil The cannabis kind burns well on foil Just lean in and inhale We’ll use that new pipeline to bring our goods to sale There hasn’t been a wave of destruction or hate Society has not fallen apart – though it’s never too late Our brains have not all turned mushy as peas We have not become all New Age-y – spare me that please! I could use some workshops to learn how it’s done I haven’t rolled a joint since 1991 Now I’m getting older I feel like a jerk There’s gotta be a way to make this stuff work I don’t want to stand outside in the cold For a few tokes on a joint that’s badly rolled And vaping is just wanton air pollution I’m getting the feeling that baking is the solution It’s Weed Day, Weed Day, grab a space cake Whatever, at least you’re awake It’s Weed Day, Weed Day, don’t act dumb Sing along with the National Weed Anthem
2.
Oh Justin 04:27
Oh Justin Oh Justin, you are so disappointing You’re supposed to be the Messiah Not a big fat liar I know it’s tough at the top The criticism you’ve coped But you’ve got to admit you’ve done a bad thing Covering up for SNC Lavalin Oh Justin, You are so disappointing You’re supposed to be the chosen one Not a smoking gun I know it’s something about Libya About how you put pressure On ministers Because of jobs Whatever it was you’re in trouble Look humble Oh Justin, you are so disappointing You’re supposed to be the solution But people want oil without pollution You picked the wrong women to fight And kicked them out out of spite Now everyone’s on your back Every Tom, Dick, Harry and Jack Oh Justin, you are so disappointing Now you’re going to sue, But you know that just won’t do You need some Russians onside Just to stem the tide Go get some bots and some trolls You’ll be riding high in the polls So Justin, even though you are so disappointing I’d rather you weren’t brought down Cos the opposition leader is a clown Never fear This is Canada It could never happen here
3.
Raise the straight flag In the village of Chipman, New Brunswick Eleven men laid a plan You might say it was a bit thick In hindsight we all can They were worried about discrimination That’s based on sexuality They worry that they face annihilation If they can’t express who they want to be So since they felt uptight They raised a flag of black and white To express their pride It’s ok -- nobody died Chorus: They said Let’s raise the straight flag No hate or harm intended Let’s raise the straight flag So we can all feel accepted Well, the flag was a huge success It stayed up for one whole day It was only because of the bad press That they made us take it away Of course we were right To hide in plain sight So everyone can see We just want equality [Chorus] I guess some people won’t understand They’ll wave their rainbow flag They’ll tell us that we’re all wrong Somebody might even write a song But we’re not against gay people Or whatever they’re called But we still believe It’s against God’s law So we’ll raise the straight flag This little town starts the resistance We’ll raise the straight flag This little town will go the distance Let’s not raise the straight flag Then there'll be no harm intended Let’s not raise the straight flag Let's make sure everyone feels accepted
4.
There’s been tension for some time At least on one side Now emotions have boiled over The white cliffs of Dover I’m gonna take back control I don’t even know what I’m saying I’m gonna take back control Tell me what kind of game I’m playing She is part of the matriarchy She wants me to sit down when I pee Now I’m going to stand up Once I’ve pressed the flush F C But sometimes I really really want to leave the dirty dishes in the sink Am G I want to be left alone by myself to think F C She welcomes all these new people to the neighbourhood Am G She’s just too frickin good I’m always looking over my shoulder She checks on me even more now I’m older She says she’s making me healthier and safer She likes controlling my behaviour We’ve been together for so long That we even co-wrote this song She wrote the verse and the chorus I’m just fucking it up for all of us
5.
Gambler 04:06
Gambler This has been a challenging time Though I’m already six foot nine I have grown I have grown My fortunes have seen their rise and fall But like an Empire I still stand tall I thank God for his infinite grace May he put me in my rightful place I’m a gambler, I’m a gambler, I’m a gambler and I’m your MP I’m a gambler, I’m a gambler Would you place your bet on me? Every day across from Parliament Hill I go to the Casino and I have my fill Of blackjack till I lose my shirt and coat Then I go back to the House and vote From left and right I borrow money Don’t care about your political ideology I once was a Liberal so it’s funny How careless I could be with other people’s money The party knows I’m an embarrassment The Mounties are after me – I look spent Only one way out when you are so bent Turn yourself into an Independent Now they want me to resign Gimme that phone so I can gamble online Cos the next decision is in play Do we build a pipeline or let it go away?
6.
Montreal Winter Leonard Cohen was from Montreal Now I understand it all Montreal winter she is cruel She can tear you apart and take you for a fool She will keep you awake for hours As she grinds the street of your soul Your emotions are in tatters You don’t know what matters You’re like a car towed away in the night You failed to see the signs right Montreal winter You’ve been testing me To see How hard I can become Montreal winter I’m in your cold embrace But I can’t see your face I’ve been wearing the same thick pair of socks For the last six months I’ve had the same sick body for weeks Beneath the sheets When you release me from your clinch, I’ll say Montreal winter You’ve been testing me To see How soft I can become Montreal winter Windblast my eyes Cut me down to size Montreal winter, I could go to Berlin like Bruce Millar Or retreat to Costa Rica I could get on a freight train with Marc Travelling across the dark Like Brandon Michaels I could go to BC Just to be by the ocean But I’m staying here I like the internal commotion Montreal winter You’ve been testing me To see How young I can become Montreal winter I’ve put on my Velcro shoes To sing the blues Montreal winter My heart is on the floor I did play the Yellow Door Montreal winter Are you leaving me?
7.
Don’t eat chocolatines on the metro The other day as I was uptown I realised I was hungry I could feel my stomach growl So I popped into the nearest bakery I asked for my favourite treat A chocolatine with sugar topping Then I went to the metro and took my seat without stopping The carriage was pretty full Would it be too shitty To munch my snack in close proximity to other people But the signs on the wall say - monsieur Certains comportements sont en voie de disparition Don’t swing on the bars like a monkey Don’t wear your backpack if it’s too chunky Don’t play your music unless it’s nice and low And – don’t eat chocolatines in the metro Just as I take my first bite The sugar explodes to my right It goes all over the jacket of the guy Next to me he can’t understand why His black jacket Looks like it’s been attacked By dandruff or cocaine I try to explain Now everybody averts their gaze I say “pardon” when I should say “desolé” Now he’s getting up and talking on his phone Chocolatine … sucre … nouveau veston A B But the sign on the wall says - monsieur Csharp min E B Certains comportements sont en voie de disparition Don’t swing on the bars like a monkey Don’t wear your backpack if it’s too chunky Don’t play your music unless it’s nice and low And – don’t eat chocolatines in the metro Like I said everyone’s gaze is averted I feel like I’ve done something perverted I think maybe I should just subvert it The etiquette police have not been alerted It’s just my personal shame I know for you it would never be the same And the sign on the wall says - monsieur Certains comportements sont en voie de disparition Don’t swing on the bars like a monkey Don’t wear your backpack if it’s too chunky Don’t play your music unless it’s nice and low And – don’t eat chocolatines in the metro

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released May 18, 2019

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Chas Warlow Richmond, UK

Chas Warlow is a British singer/songwriter who writes and performs original comic songs.

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